[Note: none of the actors in this Valentine’s Day message live in the Home Zoo]

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About a month or so ago The Lady came home from walking Ernie and said she had seen a guy that looked just like David Cross at the dog run. The Lady and I are both huge fans of Arrested Development (one of Ernie’s many nicknames is Mother Boy). David Cross played Tobias Funke, the extremely closeted, struggling actor/psychologist on the genius series.

I ask The Lady “Do you think it was him?”. “Oh no” she says… never one to be shy “I walked right up to him and said ‘You must get this all the time. Does everyone say you that you look just like David Cross?’ His reply: ‘Finally, a celebrity that looks like me!’”. I pointed out that if I were David Cross, that’s exactly how I would answer that question too.

A few weeks later she’s making small talk at the dog run with another regular and they’re talking about celebrity dog run sightings (Parker Posey has been spotted with some regularity). She brings up the David Cross Look-a-Like and the dog run yenta confirms my suspicions, “That IS David Cross!”.

A few weeks ago (I’ve been meaning to post this for a while a now) The Lady sees David Cross again… as she’s walking by him she says “Ah, the David Cross Look-a-Like”. He shrugged and smiled.

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Ernie & The Lady at Dog Prom

Today is Ernie’s 1 year anniversary with us!

As I type he and The Lady are out on the town, no doubt marking all the way up and down Avenue A. I know there’s a new spiral in his future and perhaps some cheese too!

I remember the first time he stepped foot in the apartment, he did what he does the first time he goes anywhere… he made a mad dash around the perimeter of the apartment.

Item number 2 on the agenda was to jump on The Lady’s bed and do what we call “the charm routine” (rolling & snorting with some light growling). He had us at that first charm routine.

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I’m very sad to report that the Home Zoo now has an Animal House as our new neighbors. The apartment across the hall has been empty for months. They gave it the typical tacky marble everything renovation. Given that it’s a 3 bedroom and likely to be out of control expensive we were figuring it would attract some 20 something nogoodnik party types with suburban parents to guarantee it.

Last night we started to hear the door slam shut several times. After awhile every time the door opened we would hear a loud group “Woooooooooo”. As the night went on it got more rowdy, at one point I heard a girl yell “I LOOOOOOVE this place!!!”. We heard several loud and heartfelt “AWWWWWWWWW-sommmme!!!”s and many, many “Woooooo!!”s. Just now as I’m typing I heard a “Woooooo!” and responded back with one!

We’re guessing they got up around 10ish because that’s when we started to hear a few more “Woooo!!”s. Apparently they can only communicate by yelling. At one point last night as I was walked in the bathroom I noticed a reflection out the window on the window of the building next door. It was the new neighbors, several large jock-y guys chugging beer, standing in front of their gigantic flat screen TV, Wooooing and grunting at a sporting event.

I’m hoping that The Lady, in addition to being the Drunk Whisperer, is also the Annoying Neighbor Whisperer. Astute with understanding animals and beasts of all kinds, she pointed out that we don’t want to start out on the wrong foot with them as it very easily could become a source of amusement for them to “annoy us”. Duuuuuuude!!!! She’s always been good with animals, we’ll see! (Wish us luck… Woooooooooo!!!!!!!).

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The captain has had an ongoing semi-nasty ear wax situation. We’ve been taking him to Satan to get some squirts that have been drying it up (and a couple of them have been free thanks to Grandma!).

I’ve noticed that his eyes look a little lop-sided. The one on the side with the waxy ear in particular. The pupil even seems a little fixed. I’m starting to wonder if he’s either lost or is loosing vision in it. I believe this is a possibility with diabetes, which he has.

We’ll have to have Satan look in to it this week (no pun intended!) when he goes in for his next gratis squirt.

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“Did you eat my tomato?” asked The Lady. “No”, I said with a little attitude “Why?”. “It’s missing.” she replied. “Are you sure YOU didn’t eat it?” I asked back. “No, I bought two.”

This fascinating discussion went on for a few more sentences. I suggested that she look in Ernie’s “office” (pile of towels) given his history as Fruit Marauder (and that a tomato is technically a fruit, as The know-it-all Lady handily pointed out like a 12 year old teacher’s pet).

No sign of the missing tomato in the “office” (pile of towels). Later that day I received an email from The Lady reporting that she found the remaining seeds in the “office” (pile of towels). Case solved.

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There I was, minding my business on a quiet Memorial Day weekend, laying around watching horse racing. The Lady & Ernie were out of town having a pool day at her brother’s house.

I heard what sounded like a cat crying outside. I thought it could have been Gallagher given her penchant for escaping. She’s still grounded for a caper, that was actually The Lady’s fault, a few years ago (post coming someday). I took a quick look around and didn’t see any cats outside and found Gallagher in the apartment… back to the ponies.

About an hour later the crying was back, but more persistent and plaintive. This time my eyes went right to it, an orange and black tortoisey cat on top of an at least 20 ft fence between our building and the building behind us. The fence is also covered in vines so it was just a cat head peaking out of a bunch of vines.

I didn’t recognize the cat from any of the neighbor’s windows and there wasn’t anyone around. There was one window open with the screen open in the building behind us so the cat could have come from there. The door in the back of Satan’s office was also open + they have a bunch of rescued dogs and cats there, so that was a likely possibility as well.

It was Sunday so Satan’s office was closed but the animal rescue folks are frequently there after hours. I went down to see if I could find someone.. the good news was that the door was open, the bad news was that the gate was down so I couldn’t go in or ring the bell. I stood there yelling “hello” and whistling trying to get whoever’s attention to no avail. I went back upstairs and tried yelling to see if I could anyone in the building behind us to come to their window… also no luck. Good thing I wasn’t dying or being attacked!

I wrote a note that said “There’s a cat stuck on a fence behind the building, call me” with my cell number. Then I went to the front of the building behind us and started ringing buzzers, “Hi, I live in the building behind you and there’s a cat stuck on the fence. Do you have access to the back of your building?” I actually got lucky with the first person who answered their bell! It was a young guy, probably still in his teens (who can tell these days). We went back and found the cat, from their yard it was only about 8-9 ft high but the fence had barbed wire and the vines were thick and full of thorns.

When we figured out that we had to cut away some vines he yelled to his sister “Throw down the machete”. I started to get a little nervous… I also noticed that the way his sister was talking to him was sort of like the way one talks to a much younger person. Trying not to act too nervous I helpfully suggested alternatives to a machete. Of course they didn’t have gardening sheers or hedge clippers, why would they? I didn’t. So the sister came down with a cat carrier, sharp long knife and a tiny jewelry plier and the team started cutting!

In one of the storefronts in their building is a landscaper (so the back of building is very green and beautiful!). Unfortunately for us, at least in our current endeavor, there were no real tools lying around. There was a trowel, which was of no use, but I did find some gloves, also not much use.

With all the yelling for the machete people started to notice that something was going on. “What’s going on over there?” yelled a woman from behind Satan’s office. I remembered that I had seen her yesterday out there with Satan and a few cute dogs. “There’s a cat stuck on top of the fence. Did you get my note?”, I answered. “What does that cat look like?” she answered, looking a little stoned and holding a cigar. I described the cat and she said, “That’s Grandma! I’ll be right over. What do you need? I’ll bring a ladder. Do you need anything else? Where are you? I’ll bring everything I have!” We sorted out the logistics and at that point it looked like Grandma was almost able to fit through the hole that our young friends were making with our makeshift gardening tools.

One neighbor peaked a head out the window and suggested that we try a ladder. While the hole seemed big enough and Grandma wanted to come through it she either couldn’t or wouldn’t quite commit. Not a bad thing considering the amount of razor wire woven into the vines. I decided to look around the landscapers stuff again and this time hit pay dirt… a bunch of ladders. I grabbed one and brought it up. Just about the time I got the ladder to the area, Grandma’s guardian had joined us. She was a classic long haired gray hippy. She only brought the carrier and her cigar but fortunately we now had the ladder. She went up the ladder and with a little coaxing and luck was able to grab Grandma and put here in the carrier. Mission Accomplished!

She was SO thankful, “Fuck, thanks so much you guys… I can’t fucking believe this. How the fuck did she get up there? If you guys ever need any vet favors, I’m shacked up with that grumpy old vet. I’ll make him do whatever, seriously. He’s such an old grump but I can make him do anything!” It took everything I had not to blurt out “You’re Satan’s girlfriend!”. It shocked me so much that I couldn’t even remember his real name so I just stood there smiling like an idiot. I think I managed to mutter “I’m a regular there”.

Turns out Grandma has been there for awhile. A couple of people wanted to adopt her but according to Satan’s girlfriend she bit both of them and drew blood. Her take was that Grandma wanted to stay at Satan’s. My guess based on the fact that Grandma climbed a 20 ft fence is that she maybe she doesn’t want to stay at Satan’s. This morning I opened up the screen and popped my head out. Grandma was sitting in the yard… she looked at me and went inside. Perhaps she’s learned her lesson.

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And I’m happy to report that Littlehead is down to a svelte 18lbs, an all-time low!

Bravo, Captain!

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A couple of weeks ago I was awakened by a lot of barking. This is unusual as Ernie usually only gives a woof or two at a drunk stumbling up or down the stairs. When the barking wasn’t stopping I got up to hear the door knob jiggling. I put on my best scary voice and yelled “Who’s out there?”… a meek little voice answered “Mary”.

I looked out the peephole to see a really drunk girl with her head on the door trying to shove in a key. “You’ve got the wrong apartment” I say. “No I don’t” answers Drunk Mary. I tried again to persuade her that she had the wrong apartment. She wandered downstairs but I didn’t hear the front door open and close.

About 20 minutes later Drunk Mary was back… we repeated the same scenario. This happened 2 or 3 more times with about a half an hour or so in between failed attempts. As one can imagine, each time Drunk Mary came back, I was less and less “pleasant” about dissuading her from her stubborn and misguided attempts to get into my apartment.

The next time our hapless intruder came back I asked The Lady to handle it. As it turns out, The Lady is the Drunk Whisperer! She calmly and assertively said “Hi, please go away” and just like that Drunk Mary was on her way. It was just like watching the unruly dog suddenly walk nicely on the leash.

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It’s finally happened, Ernie lost one of his fangs. All of the cats are missing a fang, and lord knows The Lady and I have had our share of missing fangs through the years. As a matter of fact, I just got a gold crown a few weeks ago!

Last night I noticed that one side of Ernie’s face was swollen below his eye. I thought it might have been a bug bite or sting so I stopped by Dr. Satan’s office after our walk. Turned out to be two rotten teeth and an infection. We knew one of his fangs was bad, and Satan advised us just to keep an eye on it as might fall out on it’s own. No such luck for Ernie!

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